made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
