You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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