We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
