You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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