do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
