Will you blow on my dice?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
