I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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