Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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