we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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