I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
