Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
