ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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