I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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