Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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