LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
