i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
that's an acceptable place to lick
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
