Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
