dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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