a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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