Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
