I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
