I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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