Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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