My friends, they love my intelligence
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
