i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
