Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i think my cat just said my name.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
