Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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