***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
