I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
