i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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