my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
