Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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