just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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