I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We left the knife in your bed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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