I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize