So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
false alarm. still invincible.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
