How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
