just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
