This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
