Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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