When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
