So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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