I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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