grandma shit on top of the toilet
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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