Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Everything about him screamed your future.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
