please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
