my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Buhtt sex?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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