I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He? As in you personified your dick?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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