even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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