Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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