The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
