the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
