Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
