i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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