The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
